Day 54

FINALLY caught up with everything. Last week was a crazy whirlwind of busyness, but things are kind of slowing down again. So now that I'm officially caught up with everything...

http://www.nbcolympics.com/video/assetid=df674667-721b-4991-9d12-0066cefb8696.html#ladies+sp+joannie+rochette

I watched this video today of a Canadian figure skater who's mother died two days before she had to perform her short program for the Olympics. She was tearing up while she was warming up, but when she got in the center to perform she pushed it all inside and smiled. She performed her routine, pretty much perfectly, and as soon as she finished she started crying. If I had been watching it alone, I would have cried too. It was just so raw and emotional and real. You could see the utter pain and anguish she was going through, but when it came time to perform, she hid it all for that performance. True professionalism.

I'm writing about this because I've been in a similar situation. Thankfully, I haven't had to deal with death and a performance, but something very similar. I won't go into detail, but there was a portion of my life when I was dealing with everything I knew basically falling apart in front of me. I was depressed and self-destructive. Needless to say, it wasn't the best part of my life. But thankfully, I was in a show during that time. If I hadn't been...well, I don't know what would have happened, but it wouldn't have been good. But I had the show to focus on, and that helped a bit.

When it got time to perform, this amazing thing happened. I did my normal thing, acting and all that jazz, but when it got to the last scene (which is uber emotional) it wasn't acting anymore. In that last scene I didn't have my bag of tricks or my isms...it was all me, in all my glory. The last scene had to deal with my character realizing how alone she is and she has to force the person she loves to come back home with her. And every night we performed, during that scene I dropped all my guards and let my emotions out. It was the best and the worst thing that could have happened it me. I buried all of my pain and anguish deep inside, because I wanted to be professional for the performance. So, like any normal person, it would come up at random moments, unhealthily. But with that scene, I was given the chance to unleash those emotions and purge everything out on that stage because it fit with the scene and the character. I got the chance to deal with everything without having to talk to anyone or make it a big deal. It was emotional purging at its finest.

And the funny thing is, I thought I was the only one who knew this. I had only told three people in the cast, but as others found out, they later told me that when they first heard it, and every night after, they knew that it was all real. A little too real maybe, lol

But, to tie it all together, people have tragedies in their lives, especially at the most inopportune times. But, sometimes you just have to bury it all and smile. And I think performing is one of the best ways to deal with it, because it forces you to focus on something different, or in my case be given the opportunity to deal with it in a different way.

To quote Judy Garland "Smile, though your heart is aching. Smile, even though it's breaking. Although there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by."